After Surrogacy or Donor Journey: 4 Steps to Telling Your Child About Their Origins
Surrogacy, Egg, or Sperm Donation – a journey that helps many people around the world achieve their ultimate goal of having a baby. But what comes after the Surrogacy or Donor Journey?
We were discussing the birth story of the child with Lisa Schuman, LCSW, Founder of The Center for Family Building on our free webinar, which took place on February 21. Watch the recording of the full webinar here.
Lisa Schuman is a therapist, author, and host of the podcast “Building Your Family.” With over 30 years of experience in her career, she has conducted research and received recognition from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Lisa played a significant role in the legislative process of compensated Surrogacy in New York, and she has shared her valuable experience with numerous therapists throughout her career.
“I strive to provide people with helpful information on managing the complex process of Surrogacy in every possible way.”
Support is essential, which is why Lisa organizes a Monthly Support Group as a more affordable alternative to private management and support. Our discussion was very informative, so let’s summarize the main points.
Lisa, tell us, please, Is it essential to be transparent and honest about the Surrogacy journey with your child, regardless of genetic connection?
“Yes, it’s crucial to remember that children can learn about Surrogacy as well. Our research shows that children often sense when something is being kept from them, and they are perceptive enough to pick up on even subtle cues. Therefore, it’s essential to always be honest with your child, whether discussing Donor conception or Surrogacy. It’s never too early or too late to have these conversations.”
How can you discuss Surrogacy or the Donor process with your children?
“Many people find it challenging to discuss their journey, especially when it comes to explaining Surrogacy or the Donor process to their children. Children are highly sensitive to their parents’ emotions, so if they sense discomfort when discussing their birth, they may internalize it as something being wrong with them. It’s crucial to remember that whether it’s Surrogacy or Donor conception, it’s a part of the child’s story that doesn’t belong solely to the parents. The goal is to make children feel that every aspect of their journey is valid and positive.
Here’s an essential tip: Start practicing.
Have the conversation with your partner or close friends to find the communication style that suits you best. This rehearsal can help you feel more confident and prepared when discussing Surrogacy or Donor conception with your child.
Let’s discuss four important considerations:
- Embracing Differences: Your child’s story may differ from others, so it’s essential to teach them tolerance and acceptance of diversity.
- Embracing Similarities and Differences: Children often desire to fit in with their peers, but they should also understand that both similarities and differences are valuable.
- Understanding the Mechanics: Be prepared to explain the mechanics of your child’s conception. Whether through Surrogacy, Sperm Donation, Egg Donation, or your own genetic material, provide age-appropriate information as your child grows.
- Personal Identity: Children naturally want to understand their origins and personal story. It’s crucial for them to know “Who am I?” and to feel secure in their identity and family history.
Combining these four elements provides a solid foundation for fostering a strong and trusting relationship with your child.
I’d like to recommend some helpful books that can assist parents in fostering communication with their child.
- “The Family Book” by Todd Parr:
This book discusses the diversity of families, illustrating that families can be comprised of different combinations of parents and siblings.
- “What Makes a Baby” by Cory Silverberg:
This book explains thedifferent components involved in the conception of a baby, providing children with an understanding of reproduction that is inclusive and accessible.
- Sarah Phillips’ book “The Kangaroo Pouch: A Story about Surrogacy”creatively explains the mechanics of Surrogacy using the analogy of a kangaroo carrying a little kangaroo for another family.
- K. Kluger-Bell’s book “The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story for Children” illustrates the concept of Surrogacy through the story of a koala carrying another little koala.
- Kimberly Kluger-Bell’s book “The Pea That Was Me: An Egg and Sperm Donation Story” provides insight into the Donation process and technical aspects of the journey.
- Carolina Nadel’s book “Mommy Was Your Tummy Big?” narrates the tale of a doctor elephant explaining various methods of conception to children. It sensitively addresses the idea that families sometimes need assistance from others to have a baby.
- George Ann Clay’s book “Why Don’t I Have A Dad?: A Story of Donor Conception” is particularly helpful for single parents or single women. It addresses questions such as “Why don’t I have a father?” or “Why is it like that?” in a sensitive and understandable manner”
Lisa Schuman has authored a book designed to assist families grappling with the question of how to tell their child their own story. This book guides parents through the process from the initial steps of the Surrogacy or Donor journey. It employs visual representations to illustrate how the child came into the world, making the concept easily understandable for both parents and children.
And What is the best age to tell the children about their story?
“It’s best to start as early as possible. The younger the child, the better, as it can help avoid difficulties later on as they grow older.”
Lisa, what advice would you give to parents who feel uncomfortable with the journey they’ve been through and discuss it with their child?
“Discuss it openly with your partner and practice talking about it together. This will help you both feel more comfortable and prepared. Remember, your child’s story is personal to them, and others have no right to judge or interfere.”
Perfect. And what are the red flags? What should parents avoid in their stories?
“The key is to shield your child from any potential emotional burden you may carry. While using Surrogates or Donors may stem from fertility or medical issues, it’s crucial not to transfer any personal hurt onto the child. They enter the world innocently and should be embraced with love and acceptance.”
How should families approach the dynamic between siblings who have different genetic backgrounds, whether through Donor conception or Surrogacy from different sources?
“It’s crucial to foster an environment of equality within the family. If children tease each other, parents must address it promptly. Every family member is valued equally, regardless of the different paths they took to join the family.”
What can parents tell their child if the Donor is anonymous? In countries like Ukraine, Donations are entirely anonymous.
“I would discuss your story with your child right from the start. In the US, for instance, individuals can search for their Donor after turning 23. So, your child will have the opportunity to find out about the Donor eventually. It’s also worth mentioning that things are evolving, including technologies.”
Concepts of Sperm, Egg, Embryo etc seems like a lot for a small child, are there milestones to think about when staging this information?
“You can begin with books designed for young children, which present concepts in a simple and easy-to-understand manner. This provides a solid foundation. As they mature, they will grasp things more deeply, but they will already be familiar with the terminology.”
What are the key messages or concepts you want to convey to our audience during our live session?
“Once more, the key is to start the conversation ‘early and often.’ The sooner and more frequently you discuss the journey with your child, the more comfortable both you and your child will become with it.”
Stay tuned for more captivating interviews with experts in the field!